When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

My dad learned a few weeks ago that his colon cancer had spread to his liver. The spot was small and in a hard to reach area of the liver. We met his surgeon at Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center. He delivered the bad news that my dad is now considered stage four. Nothing will prepare you for how you'll feel when someone tells you your dad has stage four cancer. I honestly felt like someone had pulled a rug out from under me.

As stressed and overwhelmed as we feel at the moment, we have to look at the blessings. My dad was originally supposed to have his tumor removal in mid-February, but a cancelation enabled him to have that surgery today. Exactly one day after his consultation. By one of the top one hundred doctors in the nation. He's also a Christian man. Blessings.

My dad is resting well, although he is in pain. The doctors believe he may be home by Friday. He will likely have to have more chemo, specifically for preventing reoccurance.

So many people have called, emailed, texted or just simply prayed. Our wonderful pastor sat with us most of the day while my dad was in surgery. I read and was deeply encouraged by the book "Fight Back With Joy" by Margaret Feinberg as I sat in the waiting room. Blessings.

Please keep us in your prayers, especially my parents. Our journey isn't over yet.

2014: A Year in Review

I wrote a similar post to this one on my house blog, Organized and Simplified. You can find that post here.

What I am going to talk about here is less house, more personal. 2014 wasn't the greatest of years. In January, my dad was diagnosed for the second time with cancer. This time, a routine scan revealed he has stage three colon cancer. He went through chemo for the second time, and radiation for the first time. His port became infected and he was hospitalized. He is now awaiting more news to see if he may have to undergo more chemo. This summer, we finally got pregnant with our second child, but sadly, we lost the child two months into the pregnancy. We buried three of my relatives, and two of my husband's relatives were hospitalized. One is doing well, the other is still in the hospital as I write. To say it has been a trying year would be an understatement. In spite of all the storms, there are a few rays of sunshine we can be thankful for. It almost feels like a cop-out to write this, but it is something for which we are thankful. We are all alive and, for the most part, healthy. We have good jobs that provide well for us. We have a home we love and appreciate. My dad is still with us. We have a new nephew whom we love and look forward to spoiling.

Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass- it's about learning to dance in the rain. -Unknown.

We've seen our share of rain, and although it has taken its toll, the Lord blessed me with a husband I can lean on and will be there when the waters get rough. And more importantly, through Bible study and daily devotions, I can feel Him working in my heart again. Is it well with my soul? Not completely. But I can definitely say I'm feeling more encouraged and more hopeful these days.

I thought instead of writing my typical "end of the year" narrative, I would share some pictures of my favorite things that happened this year. My nephew is certainly on the list, but I don't like to share pics of other people's kiddos without permission. These are also in no particular order.

1. Emorie and I took these pictures as a surprise Father's Day gift for Michael. She spilled the beans less than 24 hours later, but he did a good job acting surprised. And he loved them!

2. I ran three 5Ks and was signed up to run a half marathon, but had to cancel. I was bit by a dog, had to get stitches, and couldn't run the race with stitches in my leg. I will be running more races in 2015. 

3. Emorie brought home a gorgeous school picture- probably the best one ever. 

4. Fall was absolutely gorgeous here this year, 

5. I got a new sister-in-law when Michael's step-brother got married. This handsome man accompanied me to the wedding. 

6. The cutest little Elsa, ever. 

7. This. No description needed. 

8. The year of the selfie. I must have a hundred of these things. Geez. But I did have fun taking them. 

9. We went to the park for a fun afternoon and got caught in a torrential downpour. 

10. This pretty little girl makes every year special and wonderful, but our Mama School experiences this summer made some lasting memories. 

I'm not stupid enough to sit here and say "2014 was pretty awful and 2015 can't be much worse." It could be a lot worse. Instead I am going to say "2015 will be a better year," Why? Because I know who holds tomorrow. And tomorrow is, you guessed it, 2015.

"Better than a Hallelujah"

"We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah"
-Amy Grant 


I'm trying, folks. I really am. Prayers are needed and appreciated. Thanks. 

Coincidence? I think not.

It's funny how the Lord always gives us what we need when we're needing it the most.

If you are one of the few people who has made it known they are uncomfortable with my talking about my miscarriage, you should leave this post now and discontinue reading. I am not "whining," or "being dramatic" or "trying to get attention." I am currently going through something heartbreaking, and talking about it is the only thing getting me through. Keep your hurtful comments to yourself- if it bothers you, I am pretty sure there is a large "X" at the top of your browser. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, let me share what's on my heart today.

I've had a difficult time lately- each day, my spirit and body become more aware that my child is gone. On Christmas Eve, I would have been 20 weeks pregnant. Halfway there. Instead, I'll celebrate Christmas with my child and husband, and instead of looking forward to our new child, I'll be missing this one. I could sit here and expound on each and every "would be milestone" that is going to be difficult for me. Instead, I will talk about what the Lord gave me yesterday.

Yesterday, my devotion was about handling grief, and what to do when people close to you are grieving. The devotion talked about the Jewish tradition of the Shiva, in which they grieve for their loved ones for seven days. Any visitors to the home within those days does not speak unless one of the hosts speaks to them first. The families of the deceased simply sit there in quiet, comforted only by one another's presence. Words are not necessary.

The accompanying Scripture was from John, the story of Lazarus. I immediately read about the grief of Jesus for his friend, and how he wept for his friend.

Too often, when someone close to us loses someone, we try to almost take on the role of the Lord and explain what can't be explained. We don't know why death happens. We don't know why divorce happens. We don't know why miscarriage happens. Silence should be enough. We don't need to say anything because there isn't anything we can say. I've been guilty of this so many times- just wanting to say something because I didn't know what to say. A simple "I'm sorry," or "I'm praying for you" should have been it.

I've struggled lately to feel the Lord's presence. I know he is still here and he is hurting along with me. Some horrible part of me just wants to close off, shut down and just grieve. I'm trying hard to stay positive and to just trust Him, but this is hard. I should have thought about how Jesus raised Lazarus and how if he can raise Lazarus from the dead, he can get me through this. I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't think about that. He also makes the statement in this passage that through Lazarus' rest, God will be brought glory. I don't know what his plan for me is. I don't know why my baby was called home. I know somehow he'll be glorified through it. I know these things, even though it is hard for me to understand it at the moment.

Please keep praying. I need it more than I ever have.

Weekend recap- November 2

What a busy but blessed weekend! We started off our weekend with a teacher workday for me, followed by Halloween festivities later on that evening with my sweet little Elsa. I know you've already seen the pics, but I just can't help but post this one again:


Saturday, Mr. B and I went to help his step-brother celebrate his wedding day. The wedding was gorgeous and we very much enjoyed being there to help celebrate. We didn't get to stay very long, since we had to go pick up our little lady from my Mom's, but we still had a great time. Here is a picture of my with my handsome man.



Of course, one doesn't celebrate a wedding without remembering their own wedding day. Almost 6 years have passed since I became Mrs. B.


When you get married, you promise to be there for each other "for better or for worse." We have had lots of "better," but unfortunately 2014 brought a whole lot of "worse." Truth be told, without the Lord, and without my man, I'd have never survived. We have faith that the best truly is yet to come, and everything we are currently enduring will truly change for the better.

Be still and know...

For the past four days, this verse has been my constant. I actually read this verse the morning of September 2, 2014, when I found out Emorie was going to be a big sister. We had two ultrasounds, the first one showing me being two weeks off. Two weeks later, we had another ultrasound. The baby measured only one week larger, but the heart was beating. I felt hopeful.

Then, I began experiencing complications. On about Wednesday of last week, I could no longer deny something was wrong. I went in for an emergency ultrasound on Friday, only to discover the baby had not grown and the heartbeat was slowing. My heart sank. I began calling family members and friends. I posted a message to our friends and family on Facebook: "It's hard to say goodbye when you never got to say hello. Please pray for us during this difficult time."

On Saturday, the contractions began and I truly knew it was over. My body is still aching, but the pain is slowing. My heart is still aching, but I am beginning to feel a little bit better. While at this point I am unsure what will happen next, and whether or not we will attempt to have more children, I am sure of this. I am definitely not alone.

To the lady who saw me crying in the waiting room and asked if she could pray for me, thank you. To the ultrasound nurse who held me and let me cry, thank you. To the doctor who sat with me and told me not to apologize for my tears, thank you.  So many of my family members, co-workers, and church family members have sent messages, cards, and have called, and for that I thank you. My coworkers gave me a card and a gift card. My teammates prepared my classroom for testing so I wouldn't have to do it when I returned to school.

I never realized before how many of my friends and family members have experienced this before. I miscarried Emorie's twin, but chose to instead dwell on having one healthy baby remaining. I really didn't feel the loss until after Emorie was a year old. This time though, it's completely different.

I don't write this entry to seek attention. I don't write it to be graphic or to share too much with others. I write it because miscarriage is something people don't typically talk about. Talking about it is the only thing helping me right now. Maybe someone someday will be in the same place, will find this entry and it will help them. Maybe when things are better, I'll read this again and realize how far the Lord has brought me.

I have read numerous blog entries from other mothers who have experienced loss. I've spent time talking to my family members, church family members, and friends who have experienced miscarriages. I am hurting but not alone. Keep us in your prayers. Our hearts are broken but we will be OK.

And God is still God.

Stepping out of my comfort zone: Trust and Obey

I'm going to step outside of my comfort zone just a bit today, and I am going to use my personal blog as a vehicle to do so. I don't talk about or share my faith with others as much as I should. I am certainly not ashamed of my faith; It's just that doing so isn't always comfortable. This is something I am working on.

There are other things I am working on, too. I have, in recent months, lost my focus. I haven't been attending church like I should, and I haven't been praying and reading the Bible as I should. This is something I am trying to change.  I am not a transparent person and it is very hard for me to share personal details about my life.

Some of you are laughing right now, because you are thinking about the fact that I publish two blogs, have a Facebook account and an Instagram account. I'll agree, based on those details, it sounds like my life is an open book. It isn't- it is easy to share anecdotes about your kids, or talk about your cleaning/decorating/organizing habits and never share a thing about what goes on inside your head.

Being transparent is surprisingly hard for me. I hope this post will not offend anyone- that isn't my intention. My intention is to talk to you a little about my faith and to share a bit about what's going on in my life at the moment. Although I was saved by Grace nearly ten years ago, I still consider myself to be very new in my faith. I'm not perfect, but I serve a perfect God.

2014 has not been an easy year. My Daddy was diagnosed with cancer for the second time in January. He went in for a routine scan, had a major surgery and was diagnosed with colon cancer. He has since completed radiation treatments and is nearly finished (we hope so, anyway) with his chemo treatments. As you can imagine, this has been difficult for our family.

I am also facing a struggle personally. I am not ready to share this one with everyone yet, but I will when I feel the time is right. Please don't worry about me- my health is good and it is nothing serious. It is something that will require a lot of trust and a lot of patience. Please pray for me to have the patience and faith to trust God and his timing.

I was driving to church on Sunday morning and was busy worrying about several things. I was also listening to one of my favorite songs, "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redmond. When I'm in my car by myself, I really get into whatever I'm listening to, and I just have a blast. As I'm singing this song and worrying, a thought occurred to me: what if I put as much energy into my relationship with the Lord as I put into worrying?

What a thought. The old hymn says to trust and obey. We know, as Christians that God does not forsake us EVER. We know from past experiences in our lives that God takes care of us and He answers our prayers. Why are we still so quick to worry and stress than to simply trust him? We know prayer works. We know God has plans for us.

I am not perfect, but God is. I am trying hard to remember that He knows my needs and struggles. I am trying hard to remember that my prayers will be answered, even if the answer is "not now." I'm also trying to remember that God has a plan, even if "not now" is his answer.

I honestly didn't mean to pour my heart out on the Blogosphere today, but I did. When you say your prayers tonight, please include me. Pray that I'll simply stop worrying and struggling and just trust God and his timing.