Be still and know...

For the past four days, this verse has been my constant. I actually read this verse the morning of September 2, 2014, when I found out Emorie was going to be a big sister. We had two ultrasounds, the first one showing me being two weeks off. Two weeks later, we had another ultrasound. The baby measured only one week larger, but the heart was beating. I felt hopeful.

Then, I began experiencing complications. On about Wednesday of last week, I could no longer deny something was wrong. I went in for an emergency ultrasound on Friday, only to discover the baby had not grown and the heartbeat was slowing. My heart sank. I began calling family members and friends. I posted a message to our friends and family on Facebook: "It's hard to say goodbye when you never got to say hello. Please pray for us during this difficult time."

On Saturday, the contractions began and I truly knew it was over. My body is still aching, but the pain is slowing. My heart is still aching, but I am beginning to feel a little bit better. While at this point I am unsure what will happen next, and whether or not we will attempt to have more children, I am sure of this. I am definitely not alone.

To the lady who saw me crying in the waiting room and asked if she could pray for me, thank you. To the ultrasound nurse who held me and let me cry, thank you. To the doctor who sat with me and told me not to apologize for my tears, thank you.  So many of my family members, co-workers, and church family members have sent messages, cards, and have called, and for that I thank you. My coworkers gave me a card and a gift card. My teammates prepared my classroom for testing so I wouldn't have to do it when I returned to school.

I never realized before how many of my friends and family members have experienced this before. I miscarried Emorie's twin, but chose to instead dwell on having one healthy baby remaining. I really didn't feel the loss until after Emorie was a year old. This time though, it's completely different.

I don't write this entry to seek attention. I don't write it to be graphic or to share too much with others. I write it because miscarriage is something people don't typically talk about. Talking about it is the only thing helping me right now. Maybe someone someday will be in the same place, will find this entry and it will help them. Maybe when things are better, I'll read this again and realize how far the Lord has brought me.

I have read numerous blog entries from other mothers who have experienced loss. I've spent time talking to my family members, church family members, and friends who have experienced miscarriages. I am hurting but not alone. Keep us in your prayers. Our hearts are broken but we will be OK.

And God is still God.