My dad learned a few weeks ago that his colon cancer had spread to his liver. The spot was small and in a hard to reach area of the liver. We met his surgeon at Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center. He delivered the bad news that my dad is now considered stage four. Nothing will prepare you for how you'll feel when someone tells you your dad has stage four cancer. I honestly felt like someone had pulled a rug out from under me.
As stressed and overwhelmed as we feel at the moment, we have to look at the blessings. My dad was originally supposed to have his tumor removal in mid-February, but a cancelation enabled him to have that surgery today. Exactly one day after his consultation. By one of the top one hundred doctors in the nation. He's also a Christian man. Blessings.
My dad is resting well, although he is in pain. The doctors believe he may be home by Friday. He will likely have to have more chemo, specifically for preventing reoccurance.
So many people have called, emailed, texted or just simply prayed. Our wonderful pastor sat with us most of the day while my dad was in surgery. I read and was deeply encouraged by the book "Fight Back With Joy" by Margaret Feinberg as I sat in the waiting room. Blessings.
Please keep us in your prayers, especially my parents. Our journey isn't over yet.
For the past four days, this verse has been my constant. I actually read this verse the morning of September 2, 2014, when I found out Emorie was going to be a big sister. We had two ultrasounds, the first one showing me being two weeks off. Two weeks later, we had another ultrasound. The baby measured only one week larger, but the heart was beating. I felt hopeful.
Then, I began experiencing complications. On about Wednesday of last week, I could no longer deny something was wrong. I went in for an emergency ultrasound on Friday, only to discover the baby had not grown and the heartbeat was slowing. My heart sank. I began calling family members and friends. I posted a message to our friends and family on Facebook: "It's hard to say goodbye when you never got to say hello. Please pray for us during this difficult time."
On Saturday, the contractions began and I truly knew it was over. My body is still aching, but the pain is slowing. My heart is still aching, but I am beginning to feel a little bit better. While at this point I am unsure what will happen next, and whether or not we will attempt to have more children, I am sure of this. I am definitely not alone.
To the lady who saw me crying in the waiting room and asked if she could pray for me, thank you. To the ultrasound nurse who held me and let me cry, thank you. To the doctor who sat with me and told me not to apologize for my tears, thank you. So many of my family members, co-workers, and church family members have sent messages, cards, and have called, and for that I thank you. My coworkers gave me a card and a gift card. My teammates prepared my classroom for testing so I wouldn't have to do it when I returned to school.
I never realized before how many of my friends and family members have experienced this before. I miscarried Emorie's twin, but chose to instead dwell on having one healthy baby remaining. I really didn't feel the loss until after Emorie was a year old. This time though, it's completely different.
I don't write this entry to seek attention. I don't write it to be graphic or to share too much with others. I write it because miscarriage is something people don't typically talk about. Talking about it is the only thing helping me right now. Maybe someone someday will be in the same place, will find this entry and it will help them. Maybe when things are better, I'll read this again and realize how far the Lord has brought me.
I have read numerous blog entries from other mothers who have experienced loss. I've spent time talking to my family members, church family members, and friends who have experienced miscarriages. I am hurting but not alone. Keep us in your prayers. Our hearts are broken but we will be OK.
My family is Christian. I grew up in church and so did my husband. So, you can imagine it's important to us that our daughter be raised in church as well. Unfortunately, our church attendance as of late has not been as good as it should be. We are working to get back on track.
I have been faithfully reading devotions, reading my Bible and been more actively praying daily since June. I am not bragging about this, just stating it here to keep me accountable. A lot of things have happened in my life this year, and most of those things were a huge wake-up call for me. A lot of bad things happened this year, but some good things happened, too.
I'll talk more about the good and bad later, but I want to use this time to blog about some books we purchased for our daughter. My little girl is 3. Some of the books and materials we have purchased for her are a bit mature for her at the moment, but will be perfect in a few short years.
She has a toddler Bible. It is a board book, and she loves the pictures and Bible stories within it. She carries this Bible to church with her. It's actually recommended for ages 2-4 and I purchased it for about $10 from Wal-Mart. It's perfect for her now, but when she turns four next summer, I'd like to get her one that's a little more mature. I haven't done much shopping around yet, so I'm not sure what we might get.
A few years ago, my librarian uncle gave Emorie a Books-A-Million gift card for Christmas. My kiddo is not short on books, for which I am grateful! We went together so she could choose something. We got some age-appropriate story books, and we also picked up this one-year children's Bible story book. It's a little too mature for her, but I've found if you explain the story to her, she understands it. Also, if we read a story she is already familiar with, she understands it just fine.
We have a book sale that comes to our school about every other month. They usually have some really nice things for low prices. I've often bought Christmas gifts from them. This past February, I found a copy of The Love Dare One-Year Devotional for Couples, which I quickly bought for me and the hubs to peruse. I was pleasantly surprised to discover the children's one-year devotional book, Jesus Calling. I realize this is a bit too mature for my girl now, but in a few years, it will be perfect. Currently, you can get the book for $10.30 on Amazon. I think I paid $12 for it. I am so excited about reading this with her someday soon.
Do any of you have some recommendations for Bible story books and kids' Bibles? I'd love to hear about them.
So, I'm a little late posting this one. I realize this is old news now, but I had to write about it anyway. Unless you live under a rock, you've seen the video for, or at least heard "Happy" by Pharrell Williams.
Like a lot of others, my daughter and I love this song. We love to turn it up, dance and sing to it, and just really have fun with it. This song has inspired people around the globe to create their own "Happy" videos. In fact, on "Oprah" recently, Pharrell cried tears of joy as he watched people around the globe enjoying his song.
He then thanks everyone who believed in him. Oprah comments on how something as simple as a song and a music video could be used for something so much bigger.
That comment made me think. I don't personally know Oprah, but I don't think she intended for her comment to be taken where I'm about to take it.
Her comment made me think about how God can take something small and use it for something big. As the song says, "Little is much when God is in it." What about the little slave girl being used to cure Naaman from his leprosy? What about Rahab hanging a cord in her window, resulting in her family being saved? What about Moses, a seemingly insignificant man with a speech impediment? A little boy gave Jesus his lunch and Jesus used it to feed 5,000 people. A widow gave all the coins she had. Neither the boy or the widow understood the magnitude of what they were doing at the time. Bet they didn't know we'd still be talking about their sacrifice 2,000 plus years later, either. Most importantly, God took a tiny baby lying in a stable and used him so that all of humanity could be saved.
Little is much when God is in it. Nothing is little to God.
That small deed you did to help someone else is not small to God. That tithe check you wrote, even though your salary is small? God sees it and will use it for his good.
He can take a little and make it a lot. Most of us don't have viral videos on YouTube and very few of us will be on Oprah anytime soon, but we are still important in God's eyes. And no matter how small or insignificant we think we are, we are far from insignificant to God.
Thanks for letting me share what's on my mind today. Comments are welcome, but only respectful comments will be posted.
I'm going to step outside of my comfort zone just a bit today, and I am going to use my personal blog as a vehicle to do so. I don't talk about or share my faith with others as much as I should. I am certainly not ashamed of my faith; It's just that doing so isn't always comfortable. This is something I am working on.
There are other things I am working on, too. I have, in recent months, lost my focus. I haven't been attending church like I should, and I haven't been praying and reading the Bible as I should. This is something I am trying to change. I am not a transparent person and it is very hard for me to share personal details about my life.
Some of you are laughing right now, because you are thinking about the fact that I publish two blogs, have a Facebook account and an Instagram account. I'll agree, based on those details, it sounds like my life is an open book. It isn't- it is easy to share anecdotes about your kids, or talk about your cleaning/decorating/organizing habits and never share a thing about what goes on inside your head.
Being transparent is surprisingly hard for me. I hope this post will not offend anyone- that isn't my intention. My intention is to talk to you a little about my faith and to share a bit about what's going on in my life at the moment. Although I was saved by Grace nearly ten years ago, I still consider myself to be very new in my faith. I'm not perfect, but I serve a perfect God.
2014 has not been an easy year. My Daddy was diagnosed with cancer for the second time in January. He went in for a routine scan, had a major surgery and was diagnosed with colon cancer. He has since completed radiation treatments and is nearly finished (we hope so, anyway) with his chemo treatments. As you can imagine, this has been difficult for our family.
I am also facing a struggle personally. I am not ready to share this one with everyone yet, but I will when I feel the time is right. Please don't worry about me- my health is good and it is nothing serious. It is something that will require a lot of trust and a lot of patience. Please pray for me to have the patience and faith to trust God and his timing.
I was driving to church on Sunday morning and was busy worrying about several things. I was also listening to one of my favorite songs, "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redmond. When I'm in my car by myself, I really get into whatever I'm listening to, and I just have a blast. As I'm singing this song and worrying, a thought occurred to me: what if I put as much energy into my relationship with the Lord as I put into worrying?
What a thought. The old hymn says to trust and obey. We know, as Christians that God does not forsake us EVER. We know from past experiences in our lives that God takes care of us and He answers our prayers. Why are we still so quick to worry and stress than to simply trust him? We know prayer works. We know God has plans for us.
I am not perfect, but God is. I am trying hard to remember that He knows my needs and struggles. I am trying hard to remember that my prayers will be answered, even if the answer is "not now." I'm also trying to remember that God has a plan, even if "not now" is his answer.
I honestly didn't mean to pour my heart out on the Blogosphere today, but I did. When you say your prayers tonight, please include me. Pray that I'll simply stop worrying and struggling and just trust God and his timing.
