"Better than a Hallelujah"

"We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah"
-Amy Grant 


I'm trying, folks. I really am. Prayers are needed and appreciated. Thanks. 

Coincidence? I think not.

It's funny how the Lord always gives us what we need when we're needing it the most.

If you are one of the few people who has made it known they are uncomfortable with my talking about my miscarriage, you should leave this post now and discontinue reading. I am not "whining," or "being dramatic" or "trying to get attention." I am currently going through something heartbreaking, and talking about it is the only thing getting me through. Keep your hurtful comments to yourself- if it bothers you, I am pretty sure there is a large "X" at the top of your browser. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, let me share what's on my heart today.

I've had a difficult time lately- each day, my spirit and body become more aware that my child is gone. On Christmas Eve, I would have been 20 weeks pregnant. Halfway there. Instead, I'll celebrate Christmas with my child and husband, and instead of looking forward to our new child, I'll be missing this one. I could sit here and expound on each and every "would be milestone" that is going to be difficult for me. Instead, I will talk about what the Lord gave me yesterday.

Yesterday, my devotion was about handling grief, and what to do when people close to you are grieving. The devotion talked about the Jewish tradition of the Shiva, in which they grieve for their loved ones for seven days. Any visitors to the home within those days does not speak unless one of the hosts speaks to them first. The families of the deceased simply sit there in quiet, comforted only by one another's presence. Words are not necessary.

The accompanying Scripture was from John, the story of Lazarus. I immediately read about the grief of Jesus for his friend, and how he wept for his friend.

Too often, when someone close to us loses someone, we try to almost take on the role of the Lord and explain what can't be explained. We don't know why death happens. We don't know why divorce happens. We don't know why miscarriage happens. Silence should be enough. We don't need to say anything because there isn't anything we can say. I've been guilty of this so many times- just wanting to say something because I didn't know what to say. A simple "I'm sorry," or "I'm praying for you" should have been it.

I've struggled lately to feel the Lord's presence. I know he is still here and he is hurting along with me. Some horrible part of me just wants to close off, shut down and just grieve. I'm trying hard to stay positive and to just trust Him, but this is hard. I should have thought about how Jesus raised Lazarus and how if he can raise Lazarus from the dead, he can get me through this. I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't think about that. He also makes the statement in this passage that through Lazarus' rest, God will be brought glory. I don't know what his plan for me is. I don't know why my baby was called home. I know somehow he'll be glorified through it. I know these things, even though it is hard for me to understand it at the moment.

Please keep praying. I need it more than I ever have.

Shopping guide: Growin' up in God's Word

My family is Christian. I grew up in church and so did my husband. So, you can imagine it's important to us that our daughter be raised in church as well.  Unfortunately, our church attendance as of late has not been as good as it should be. We are working to get back on track.

I have been faithfully reading devotions, reading my Bible and been more actively praying daily since June. I am not bragging about this, just stating it here to keep me accountable. A lot of things have happened in my life this year, and most of those things were a huge wake-up call for me. A lot of bad things happened this year, but some good things happened, too.

I'll talk more about the good and bad later, but I want to use this time to blog about some books we purchased for our daughter. My little girl is 3. Some of the books and materials we have purchased for her are a bit mature for her at the moment, but will be perfect in a few short years.

She has a toddler Bible. It is a board book, and she loves the pictures and Bible stories within it. She carries this Bible to church with her.  It's actually recommended for ages 2-4 and I purchased it for about $10 from Wal-Mart. It's perfect for her now, but when she turns four next summer, I'd like to get her one that's a little more mature. I haven't done much shopping around yet, so I'm not sure what we might get.

A few years ago, my librarian uncle gave Emorie a Books-A-Million gift card for Christmas. My kiddo is not short on books, for which I am grateful! We went together so she could choose something. We got some age-appropriate story books, and we also picked up this one-year children's Bible story book. It's a little too mature for her, but I've found if you explain the story to her, she understands it. Also, if we read a story she is already familiar with, she understands it just fine. 

Right now, you can buy this for less than $10 on Amazon. 

We have a book sale that comes to our school about every other month. They usually have some really nice things for low prices. I've often bought Christmas gifts from them. This past February, I found a copy of The Love Dare One-Year Devotional for Couples, which I quickly bought for me and the hubs to peruse. I was pleasantly surprised to discover the children's one-year devotional book, Jesus Calling.  I realize this is a bit too mature for my girl now, but in a few years, it will be perfect. Currently, you can get the book for $10.30 on Amazon. I think I paid $12 for it. I am so excited about reading this with her someday soon. 

Do any of you have some recommendations for Bible story books and kids' Bibles? I'd love to hear about them. 

Stepping out of my comfort zone: Trust and Obey

I'm going to step outside of my comfort zone just a bit today, and I am going to use my personal blog as a vehicle to do so. I don't talk about or share my faith with others as much as I should. I am certainly not ashamed of my faith; It's just that doing so isn't always comfortable. This is something I am working on.

There are other things I am working on, too. I have, in recent months, lost my focus. I haven't been attending church like I should, and I haven't been praying and reading the Bible as I should. This is something I am trying to change.  I am not a transparent person and it is very hard for me to share personal details about my life.

Some of you are laughing right now, because you are thinking about the fact that I publish two blogs, have a Facebook account and an Instagram account. I'll agree, based on those details, it sounds like my life is an open book. It isn't- it is easy to share anecdotes about your kids, or talk about your cleaning/decorating/organizing habits and never share a thing about what goes on inside your head.

Being transparent is surprisingly hard for me. I hope this post will not offend anyone- that isn't my intention. My intention is to talk to you a little about my faith and to share a bit about what's going on in my life at the moment. Although I was saved by Grace nearly ten years ago, I still consider myself to be very new in my faith. I'm not perfect, but I serve a perfect God.

2014 has not been an easy year. My Daddy was diagnosed with cancer for the second time in January. He went in for a routine scan, had a major surgery and was diagnosed with colon cancer. He has since completed radiation treatments and is nearly finished (we hope so, anyway) with his chemo treatments. As you can imagine, this has been difficult for our family.

I am also facing a struggle personally. I am not ready to share this one with everyone yet, but I will when I feel the time is right. Please don't worry about me- my health is good and it is nothing serious. It is something that will require a lot of trust and a lot of patience. Please pray for me to have the patience and faith to trust God and his timing.

I was driving to church on Sunday morning and was busy worrying about several things. I was also listening to one of my favorite songs, "10,000 Reasons" by Matt Redmond. When I'm in my car by myself, I really get into whatever I'm listening to, and I just have a blast. As I'm singing this song and worrying, a thought occurred to me: what if I put as much energy into my relationship with the Lord as I put into worrying?

What a thought. The old hymn says to trust and obey. We know, as Christians that God does not forsake us EVER. We know from past experiences in our lives that God takes care of us and He answers our prayers. Why are we still so quick to worry and stress than to simply trust him? We know prayer works. We know God has plans for us.

I am not perfect, but God is. I am trying hard to remember that He knows my needs and struggles. I am trying hard to remember that my prayers will be answered, even if the answer is "not now." I'm also trying to remember that God has a plan, even if "not now" is his answer.

I honestly didn't mean to pour my heart out on the Blogosphere today, but I did. When you say your prayers tonight, please include me. Pray that I'll simply stop worrying and struggling and just trust God and his timing.